i-Friday ~ Fragile ~

'Cat Algebra'

When we were thinking of acquiring some kittens I remember reading that you should imagine having a toddler that could fly around the room. Our darling cats have wings aplenty and over the few years we've had them they've managed to break my favourite vase, some plates, glasses and a bottle of wine (they did that one in the middle of the night so we had to clear up what looked like a red wine lake while we were half asleep) and still they manage to have such looks of innocence on their little faces, like they had nothing to do with it ... must have been some freak indoor mini-tornado or summat. They also like to chomp on any flowers or plants that are brought into the house, so on the few occassions we've had some they end up on display in the bathroom because that's the only room they can't break into! This quickie bit of art is china white charcoal on a background of violet acrylic paint (it would have been black to represent a blackboard if I owned that colour or had better paintshop skills!).

This week's topic was quite apt for me because I've been feeling very fragile. I've got a job interview tomorrow for a job that I *reeeealllly* want to get and preparing for the interview and presentation I have to do (as if having an interview isn't stressful enough!) brings up all those self doubts and fears that they won't see me for the model employee I am ;-) Although I'm still very butterfly stomachy and can't wait for the whole ordeal to be over I'm starting to feel like I'll be reasonably well prepared by the time I walk in there and the job is pretty much my dream job and I have all the skills they need so there's no reason why I don't stand a good chance of getting it ... and then my monkey mind kicks in ~ ~ they've already got someone lined up for it so you're wasting your time ~ ~ you'll go there and then blow it by admitting that you're messy and disorganised and need deadlines and constant encouragement to motivate you ~ ~ you'll come across as either overfamiliar and unprofessional or superior and unapproachable ~ ~ or they'll hate you for a million other reasons that are all within your control ~ ~ in short, you'll screw up and then keep replaying your screw up over and over and over again in your head ~ ~ Then when I've tortured myself for long enough my more rational, soothing side finally gets its butt in gear and reassures me that I have every chance of getting the job and even if someone else was lined up for it I could still get it and anyway the interview experience will prove invaluable even if I don't get it ... and so on. Unfortunately I take more notice of monkey mind than my rational self (who always ends up sounding like my mum or a well-meaning friend who is blind to the realities of the situation) but at the end of the day the only way to get through this without getting scared and going awol is to keep preparing myself for the interview so monkey mind can't tell me I didn't get the job because I was too busy procrastinating and then go there tomorrow and try to be myself (or rather the best public version of me). At times like this I have a strong desire to hibernate or disappear but I find that if I keep breathing and edge forward then I find myself coming out the other side unscathed, a tiny bit braver and wondering what all the fuss was about.

Monkey mind also had a field day when he (yeah, my monkey mind's male, a bit like the annoying younger brother I never had, go figure) found out that Illo Friday was going to be closing earlier this week. Given that I've been late submitting for the last 2 weeks he started chirping away that it had all been changed because my art was so bad and they knew that changing to Friday as the closing day would mean I'd never get round to doing it. I explained to monkey mind that he sounded like an ego-maniac who thought the whole universe revolved around him ... he soon shut up after that. I didn't think I'd be posting this week because my entries take quite a while and did I mention that I'm tied up with getting ready for an interview (not that you'd guess from the length of this entry!). My original idea was one that was sparked by this quote I found:
"Marriage is tough, because it is woven of all these various elements, the weak and the strong. "In love-ness" is fragile for it is woven only with the gossamer threads of beauty. It seems to me absurd to talk about "happy" and "unhappy" marriages."
~ Anne Morrow Lindbergh
I'm still planning to do something with it at the weekend so I'll add it here when it's done. I've also got some photos of our cats misbehaving just in case you don't believe my cat formula but the PC that we upload our photos to is misbehaving so that will have to wait.
Anyhoo back to interview preparation for me ... "Please can you tell us what your main weakness is" ... "Well I'm really untidy and I worry and overanalyse *everything* ... now, when would you like me to start working for you?"

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30th April - Finally able to post photos again so here's the photo that proves my formula:

'Wendel the Mathmetician'
... See, Wendel's even trying to eat the flowers in my painting!