I tried to think positive, honest I did ...

Well it's been a tough day but it's nearly over and I'm starting to feel quite at peace about the fact that I didn't get *the* job. It hasn't been confirmed for sure yet but I should have heard by now so it looks like Mr Postie will be bringing me a bad news letter at some point this week. If I sound un-emotional and detached now then don't be mislead ... with reservations I am posting some notes I scribbled at various points during this verrrry long day. If you get annoyed by self-indulgent human misery then look away now.
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My day started at 5.30am which is extremely early by anyone's standards but Hubby was off down south for work so I got up to keep the cats out of his way and help him set off. I didn't go back to bed but sat in my creativity room losing myself in the web on my laptop and generally being quiet, still and mopey.
First entry: 10.44am - I feel a dull, heavy, grinding emptiness and sit here slumped with my head and hands occassionally going limp when I think about *the phonecall* that I have managed to convince myself will not be coming today. And I think I just heard the post dropping through the door and feel sick at the thought of the rejection that might be waiting for me - even though it is almost physically impossible that it will have arrived yet. I have been mentally torturing myself since Friday evening and slept as badly on Friday night as I did the night before the interview. Yesterday and this morning I realised that I felt more at peace with it all but every hour or so the *fear* washes over me and I'm all at sea again. But then I resurface and steel myself to venture downstairs and confront the post like it's some knife-wielding intruder - sigh of deep relief and shallowdisappointment as it's just junk mail (actually since starting to work on altered books nothing is 'just junk mail' anymore, but more on that another time).
Now 11.10am and I am eating 'Magic Mix' - what the doohecky is Magic Mix I hear you cry ... well it's from Holland & Barratt and it contains:
Milk chocolate chunks (16%)
Large stoned raisins (16%)
Broken brazils (14%)
Dried cranberries (12%)
Sliced coconut (12%)
Whole cashews (12%)
Roasted Hazelnuts (10%)
Morello cherries with added apple & cherry juice (8%)
... and as I bought it in a healthfood store you can be sure it's 100% healthy ;-)

11.37am: Slow, hot semi-tears well up in my eyes as my mind reconfirms it "I didn't get the job". It's, you know, just a hunch still but I feel it with intense certainty -

12.00: I'm curled up laying on my side on floor cushions in the reading corner of my creative room. I'm sure now that I would have already heard if I got the job so there you are - I can stop mentally preparing my reaction to *the phonecall*; my acceptance speech, my excited calls to loved ones, my solo champagne celebration, my jubilant post to my blog ... all of it disintegrates away. Each time I have these thoughts my soothing side comes back with a glimmer of hope that 'it ain't over till it's over' and maybe they're just tied up with meetings or getting references or doing HR shit like printing out my staff i.d. and job offer confirmation.
Geez this hurts so badly - I *really* wanted that job, it was perfect for me and now I'll have to get a crappy temp job and *keep looking* and look on the fucking bright side and I don't want to do any of that, I want to be wrong and feel stupid for overreacting and get told 'see, I knew you'd do it' and have a worthwhile, fulfilling career.And to make matters wors it's got to be the nicest weather of the year so far and it's someone else's perfect day, not mine and how am I meant to be absorbed with depression and gloominess on such a fucking sunny day?

12.30pm: Stumble around the house, go downstairs to check I didn't miss the phone ringing while I was in the bathroom - amazing how aggravating it can be having 2 cats following you around and squeeking at you when all you want is long cool dark silence to wrap itself around you and keep you safe until a brighter day arrives.
No phonecalls since yesterday so I drag myself back upstairs and retreat to bed where I can pretend it is not a gorgeous day outside which I should really get myself out into. I'm sure I'd feel better if I did venture out but a) what happens if I burst into tears in the middle of town? b) by the time I've freshened up my tear-stained, puffy-eyed face it will be raining, probably. c)what if *the call* arrives, even though it is now beyond the point of completely unlikely that it will ever come. d) it's half-term hols and lovely weather so town will be full of tourists and mothers with pushcairs and prematurely mature school kids and old people standing in large groups blocking the pavements and taking up the benches and commenting on how quickly the weather has picked up and how they hope it's here to stay and I won't be able to be alone with my solitude anywhere and I'll probably end up in a shop buying things I don't need with money I haven't got (and now won't have for quite a while) and so I think I'll stay indoors with the curtains drawn if it's all the same to you.
1.30pm Woken up by my beloved calling to see if I'm okay - I lie and tell him I'm fine but I'm sure that I don't have the job - he knows I'm lying and makes suitably sympathetic comments.
The strong part from somewhere deep inside me is urging me to get out of bed and get dressed and eat something nourishing. The weak part of me wants to lie in bed with words from my interview (actual and fictionalized ideal) swirling around the room until I fall asleep again - it also wants to either a) eat nothing so that at least the benefit of some weight loss will result from this tragedy b) eat nothing but junk food. Luckily I can see straight through b) and know that my monkey mind is just laying the groundwork for me feeling even worse later and a) will work until I get hungry and reach for the first sugary item in the house, or a whole block of cheese.
On balance I think that my strong side is sounding quite persuasive so I will get up and get dressed and have cheese & yeast extract on toast.

2.06pm: And I have finally managed to un-pin myself from my bed. I have decided that I will get dressed, put on a mask and go out to share my pain with the world and the sunshine.

5.05pm: Just got in from *the outside* - managed okay (it's amazing how much better icecream and squirrels in the park can make you feel - even though the sun had gone in by the time I stepped outside) but struggled on the walk home - felt like I was walking through marshmallows ... and not in a good way.
Checked the phone and still no phone calls so that's it then, the end of that particular dream - I feel like I'm being crushed by gravity and I feel empty and my stomach hurts.
Must look after myself this evening and make it through to tomorrow. Will start by making wholesome vegetable casserole with brown rice and then go from there one step at a time.